supermashriq's Xanga

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 18:53:01 GMT

Xanga feels like a ghost town sometimes. I come back from time to time, but little seems to happen. I suppose I can be a ghost for a few minutes.

It's been nearly a year since I wrote an entry. What's happened since then? Well, I'm still working in the Council part time and playing internet poker on my days off. I'm pretty good, apparently. My friend told me last night he looked up my screen name of a database of several hundred thousand internet players and I was 11,000th!

My parents are still separated, but getting on well, and I still go to Michelle's house once a week. I also visit my Dad every weekend, which I think he enjoys. He likes to cook elaborate meals and test them on people, which I'm obviously fine with. I feel guilty about going back every weekend. I should probably be going out and meeting people more, but I dislike heading out into city, and pine for home.

My brother moved in with his girlfriend Kath. They bicker a bit, but are still very much in love, I think. They have a little black cat called Milly, with huge eyes and a wonky tail. Unfortunately Milly's brother George got squished on the roads a month or two ago, and Kath was very distraught.

I went on a few dates in the past year, but no chemistry to speak of. I'm a bit lonely, but I'm used to that and still pretty happy. I have a platonic soulmate and I'm not sufficiently desperate to do what my uncle did and marry someone he didn't love just because he couldn't stand to be alone.

If anyone of my old blog friends are reading, I miss you.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 22:47:57 GMT

I get a little wistful when I visit Michelle's house, because she has a wall covered with photographs. I haven't taken many photographs in my life, so I've missed out on the opportunity to document the things I've done. However it's a little strange sometimes seeing old photographs of myself, as I often can't remember how I felt or what I was doing in that period of my life. It's similar when I go through old schoolwork, or university notes. I think, 'did I really once know these things?'Occasionally a smell or a chance saying arouses an old emotion, a glimpse of how I once felt, but then it goes. I'm very prone to nostalgia because of these brief flashes of emotional memory.

Mum's moved out of the family home, but seems to be coping well. Last night I drunk a LOT of alcohol for my birthday celebration, and my friends got me a chocolate brownie with a candle on it. I was mucho touched.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 03:12:33 GMT

You mean you're going to turn down a perfectly good misery-wallowing opportunity, and come over all stoical and optimistic?

You bastard. I guess I'll have to fall in line.

Please pass my love to mum, and tell her not to worry. I don't want to make things harder for her than they already are, though I couldn't have said that with any confidence a couple of days ago. That said, it's probably best if I don't see her for a while, because I'm still a bit frustrated and don't want to throw a 'Kevin'.

Looking forward to seeing you and Tom on the weekend. Perhaps some bridge on Sunday if you're up for it.

Sam.

PS - Might be in late on Friday. Will let you know nearer the time.

From: robert********@tiscali.co.uk
To: sam********@hotmail.com
Subject: not a reply
Date: Tue, 26 Feb 2008 15:00:17 +0000

Dear Sam
I'm not replying as such.
Probably.
The official communiqué reads as below.
Carrie is off to Anne's Friday until Tuesday so not here for the weekend, and has already twigged you're not wildly ecstatic about things.
If you do want to feel miffed at the situation be my guest, but please don't bother on my account.
After 4 weeks of knowing what was about to happen, I've become quite used to the idea, can see possible advantages in the situation and am rather looking forward to my new circumstance.
The main thing bothering Carrie at the moment is the way you feel about it [I'm a heartless bastard and couldn't give a shit].
This is patently absurd.
As I'm happily resigned, and don't need to be worried over the pair of you could end up feeding each other's angst for nothing.
As far as you're concerned, nothing much will change - the bungalow will stay with me, I'll have enough to live on and cook with - you can do your own bloody washing, including the [spare bedroom] bedding when it starts to smell.
''Ask not for whom the bell tolls '' etc - it's stopped ringing for me, I'd ignore it if I were you.
R.

Dear
After 30 + years together, Carrie has decided that it's time to move on.
We remain friends, and wish each other well.
When she has found a place to live, she'll be moving out of 'Oakleigh'.
I'll be staying with the animals and occasional hotel [kids] guests.
High days, holidays, parties etc. will be as before, all under one roof, but now we'll have more spare beds to accommodate weary revellers.
Booked holidays and parties are unchanged, and we hope, both of us, to see you soon.
Regards Rob.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:08:05 GMT

Hi Dad,

I'm sorry for bailing on Sunday. I know you spent time planning that meal. However, I was in shock and probably wouldn't have made great company. Not that I normally do ('The Monosyllable Kid'). Anyway, it was a selfish way to act.

To his credit, Tom dealt with the news with remarkable maturity and pragmatism. I took it like a five year-old child. I know I should take a balanced view, to try and see things from both sides, but my overwhelming reaction has been anger towards mum for doing this to you. To my mind, you're much the same man you were ten years ago. If anything, you've become a kinder and more understanding person, particularly since retiring. It's a cruel irony that had you continued to work yourself into the ground with a job you hated, perhaps none of this would have happened.

I spoke to Michelle, who was sad and surprised to hear the news. Her parents separated when she was young. She said sometimes it's not a case of right or wrong, but of people growing apart. I suspect I'll eventually come to see things in those terms, but until then, the dame done you wrong. I think mum's made a crazy decision, to leave a good man who loves her very much. As much as I wish her happiness, I hope she'll realise that.

The weirdest thing about this is that it's made me realise how much I've used our family unit, and my perception of its stability, as an emotional crutch. And for far too long. Perhaps I should grow up.

I'll stop rambling now. I hope you know I'll be there for you if you need me. Or at least, when you want someone to eat your food and groan when you repeat your old stories.

With much love,
The Stunted One.

PS - For fuck's sake, don't reply to this. Seriously. I'll only get embarrassed and wish I hadn't sent it.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 20:27:53 GMT

My mum has announced that she's leaving my dad.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 13:09:00 GMT

I read a good fact recently. Apparently the Beatles song, 'Can't Buy Me Love' sounds amusing in Russian. This is because the phrase, 'money can't buy me love' sounds like the Russian for 'throw a crowbar at the old woman'.

On Wednesdays or Thursdays I go for food and films at Michelle's. Michelle is my bestest, bestest friend. We hug, walk her dog Roxy and pick up beer and pizza. Last Wednesday we watched 'The Abyss'. I'd forgotten how awesome that film is. The resuscitation scene makes me cry. Here are some other film scenes that make me cry:

1) Just about all of the Green Mile, particularly

2) The end of The Shawshank Redemption, when Andy and Red are reunited on the beach.

3) The fireside and body-finding scenes in Stand by Me.

I've just realised all of the above were based on Stephen King stories. Damn you, Stephen King, for playing with my emotions.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 23:50:37 GMT

Life recently has consisted of work, Internet poker and spending time with my friend Michelle. I've also managed to gain an addiction to itunes. One of the by-products of having so much music on tap is that you get bored of songs quickly. It's great to have all that choice, but on other level things are cheapened a little. I read this interview and one of the answers struck a chord with me:

I preferred it when it was a special thing to be able to make a record. I’d almost prefer it if the recording studios were back in the hands of the major labels. I’m really not behind the idea of everything being in the hands of the people. I’m playing a festival this month and they’re letting the crowd make a movie of the whole festival. I don't want to see a movie made by a group of drunk English kids. I want to see a movie made by a few people who are really good at making movies. Everything has been leveled. There is no more awe. Everyone can know everything about everything without really knowing anything. I don’t like it. It’s like the iPod thing — you don’t need 5,000 songs. You just need a couple good records.

On Thursday I went to see Explosions in the Sky with Aimie, which was fantastic. I don't know what to classify Aimie as these days. 'Girlfriend' seems a little strong. My embarrassment over my carnal failings means I've cut out of the physical side of things, even kissing, apart from the odd perfunctory peck. I think I'm secretly hoping she'll stop viewing me as boyfriend material.

Oh, apparently Heath Ledger has died - I don't know if you heard.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 18:42:57 GMT

Principles of the Universe According to Sam, part 519:

Here's something I've noticed about names. Whilst you'll often meet a Judy who doesn't look like a Judy, or a Helen who doesn't look like Helen, all Sarahs look like Sarahs. If you think of all the Sarahs you know, you'll find they have an unmistakable 'Sarahness' about them.

Things that are currently happening:

I'm reading an autobiography of Jools Holland I got for Christmas. The first recording he played on was a punk song called, 'Fuck Off'. He didn't realise what the lyrics were going to be, until he gathered his family round the record player to listen to the test pressing.

I'm glad Barack Obama has overtaken Hilary Clinton in the US Democrat polls. However I'm a little worried whether America is ready yet to elect a black politician. Or for that matter, a woman. Yay for the Republicans for nominating an anti-immigration, anti-abortion, economically ignorant religious fanatic (again).

I'm putting off doing my ironing.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 22:34:08 GMT

A gay couple called Lynne and Sarah are visiting my parents, and we had a good heart to heart about relationships, work and so on. At the end of the evening, Sarah took me aside and said: 'look, there's this website I'd like you to look at. I'm not going to get all spiritual on you, but it's something that's really helped me.' She passed me a piece of card with the following written on it:

www.secret.tv

It's gratifying to know I look like kind of person that needs guidance from german mystics.

This Christmas I received a filing cabinet, the Star Wars Trilogy and a set of hair clippers.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 20:46:40 GMT

I have a delicate problem. I should probably write a protected post but, what the hell, no one reads this thing anymore. Here goes...

I've been seeing a girl called Aimie for the last couple of weeks. We went drinking on Wednesday night and I ended up at her place. We went to bed. Halfway through intercourse I lost my erection (and my interest in the whole process). I apologised, and said it was the booze and the late hour. She was very understanding about it, said it was fine and perfectly normal.

The problem is, this has happened before. And without booze. Drinking provides me with a nice excuse for losing wood, but I think the problem is deeper than that. I'm worried that I don't actually like sex. I don't think I'm asexual, at least not in the textbook sense. I feel sexual attraction; give me a girly pic and a box of tissues and I'm perfectly happy. But put me with an actual woman, a breathing person with flesh and bodily fluids, and I have a kind of mental block. I'd always assumed the fact I've never had a satisfying sexual experience was just because I hadn't met the right person. But perhaps it's just me. I don't know if it's nerves, desensitization from years of masturbation... Maybe it's because I've never slept with someone I loved. Still, I'm worried. I don't see how I could have a normal relationship if this continues.

On the plus side, I won $300 in poker this weekend and Michelle is visiting on Christmas day. Yay.

"Most candid post.... Ever."